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Nauseating advert for a revolting product from a company that must die

Posted by Martin Poulter on 15 January 2009

Gid and I have been pretty much speechless on discovering this video, and the resulting blog post has been difficult to write.

This visual diarrhea emerges from the cloaca of Microsoft Research. It features a little girl WHO MUST DIE, her charming family WHO MUST DIE, and her Daddy’s colleagues WHO ALSO MUST DIE, portrayed by actors the creators of the software WHO MUST BE BURNED WITH HOT IRONS, THEN DIE (it’s morally okay because they CLEARLY ARE NOT LOVED). They all want more music in their lives, and Microsoft helps them by hurling them into a meat grinder. No, it’s less tuneful than that: by slapping donkey dicks against their faces. No, it’s less dignified than that: by herding them into camps to learn that “Arbeit Macht Frei”. No, it inspires more despair at human cruelty than that.

No, the solution they offer is a program called Songsmith, which auto-accompanies them while they sing into their laptops. Not just in one painfully generic, ear-rapingly putrid style: no, in a variety of user-selectable styles ranging from “Rock shit” to “Salsa shit” taking in “Techno fucking shit” and “Bluegrass just fucking kill me now” on the way. Think of it as homeopathic music: muzak without a single molecule of talent or creativity left in it, purified at last of any pleasure or emotional expression.

If Microsoft really want to cause this much pain to us all – and let there be no more doubt that they do – then why don’t they just cut out the middle-man and force a pineapple into the rectum of any thinking, feeling human being alive enough to experience the joy of music, art, beauty or anything else which inspires love? Pointy end first?

“Oh yeah!”

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10 Responses to “Nauseating advert for a revolting product from a company that must die”

  1. rhinoglamour said

    Hmm. vague sniff of the Casio keyboard about it.

    With less skill required. “The new thing” – dear God I hope not.

  2. Tom Gidden said

    It turns out the creators of the software (the two guys staring at “OH YEAH!” superimposed on a MacBook Pro above) made this promotional video with their kids. They still must die, though.

    They explain the evils of Songsmith in an interview while “on tour” in Las Vegas earlier.

    So, how does it do with real music? Well, Radiohead, at least

  3. glittrgirl said

    I got a Stylophone for Christmas – must I die too?

  4. glittrgirl said

    Nice post btw 😉

  5. A stylophone isn’t the sort of thing I’m complaining about, because you have to apply some sort of talent to make a tune with it (as no doubt you’ll do, Suz). If Microsoft “upgraded” the stylophone so that it played itself in a moronically repetitive way, and then boasted about how it was “the new thing” that enhances your “groove”, then I’d rant against them just as much. The fucktards.

  6. The shit avalanche continues: Van Halen, The Police and Marvin Gaye.

  7. Tom Gidden said

    Hey, I’m fairly impressed by the Police one, and Wonderwall. I’m very tempted to download it just to see what it makes of Tom’s Diner.

  8. Paul Smith said

    OMG, that’s so High School Nausical…

  9. […] on 2 February 2009 People have started stripping the vocals from well-known songs and seeing what SongSmith does with them. In amongst all the banality are a few gems. Here’s a brief article and […]

  10. […] by Tom Gidden on 9 February 2009 While you might be happy just SIIII-I-I-NGING WITH YOUR LAAAA-PTOP, the interweb still hasn’t yet found the limits — or in fact, the beginning — of […]

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